Do I want to continue being Single?

My views on 18/05/2016 

This blog was posted on AW five years ago. Please allow me some self praise, it is incredibly well put about how I was feeling at the time. 

My weight situation has worsened. I now have some support at this stage. 

As regards to whether I am single or not, I am not sure I can cope with another person in my life. I am now too used to my single life. As some would say, you never know what the future holds.  

Here is the blog posted 5 years ago folks.

Am I happy being single is a question I often ask myself. I cannot come up with a straight answer. The only thing I can say it varies from day to day as to how I feel about being single.

I have been single for many years. My last short-term relationship was about 12 years ago. As I am getting older I am beginning to ask myself do I want to be single for the rest of my life? The truth is no. The fact is I want to be with someone to share my life with. At the same time being committed to the same person for the rest of my life really scares me. In the very few relationships, I have been in I remember saying to myself after eight months or so “I am bored now both sexually and emotionally I want to find someone new.” How do people manage to be together for so many years?

This blog is about me being totally honest (not for you, but for me!). In that vein, I have to say I have not been on a date for years. Here are my reasons (excuses):

  • I honestly have been working so hard in my employment. 4 hours commute daily really did not help. The people I met were at work. Yes, there were women I met at work, and I thought wow! I was working at a senior level, asking a junior member of staff for a date would have got me into a lot of trouble. Senior level women were already married etc.
  • As I am getting older, I cannot be too fussy. I am not rich. I am not tall (in fact I am short), and I am not handsome. Not forgetting I am fat! I have to be realistic, but I am not. The price for my immaturity is a single life. I think there has been some interest from women I have met in recent years, but I have not pursed it because she does not fill the looks and age tick box.
  • I am from a culture where arrange marriages were the norm. In my mid-twenties, I had a few chances to take this option. I said no because of my pride. I said to myself “I can find someone for myself!” I think I missed some good chances there!
  • I have talked about my weight issues before. I do not go out socially because I feel I need to lose weight before I can go out and enjoy myself. So the chances of meeting someone are pretty slim.

Yet I never feel lonely. In fact, I wish I had the time to feel lonely. I fail to understand how people can feel lonely. If you feel lonely, read a book, go out for a walk, surf the net, help others and of course blog! We are so lucky to be in a first world country where we have so many good options open to us.

For the past few years, I have had such a strong desire to have my own children. I just cannot explain this. Can this be called a paternal instinct? It is shocking that I put this need higher up on my list than a wife/partner. My fear is I might go for someone just to be a baby machine! I am sure women will suss me out anyway. They can read us like a book!

When I go for walks. Cycle or I am driving I really envy parents with their children. Especially when children are at their cute stage! I can’t help smiling when I see them.

I think I am a rarity at my age, not that experienced in relationships and being a Single Fat accountant with no children.

You know what they say – you can only change if you want to change. Do I want to change? I think I do. I had no idea how much writing a blog helps. It really does. Plus the comments and response on a blog (when they happen) give me such a warm feeling encouraging me to come back and explore more.

I think I have reached a stage now, where my macho ego does not hold me back in asking for help when needed and saying things as I see them.

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